Friday night storm, Saturday morning test
Mood:  not sure
There is a winter storm warning for tonight and will end around 3pm Saturday afternoon. Well, I have a test in my Micro-computers class that morning. And my school is 50 miles away from my home towards north Georgia. And the school declares that Sat. classes will remain a go until 6am tomorrow morning. Because IF the road conditions are too bad-they will announce the closing over the television and rodio at 6am. By the time I will hear this broadcast from my truck radio I will already be half-the fuck way-there! So of course I will have to risk my life on a trip back to my house if classes are cancled-I take back roads to school so this is going to be one slippery good time (note the scarcasm). I swear my school is sooo retarded. If the state is in a Winter Storm Warning....then they should at least make a little better plans than just : oh, we'll call the broadcast systems around 6 to let everyone know-even though there might not be any power due to the power outage the ice will cause, to let them know there will not be any class. They told me to use my "best judgement", well hell! When I came for orientation my first time at the college they said,"Do wahtever you can to NOT MISS ANY CLASSES BECAUSE YOU WILL MOST LIKELY FAIL!!!! HA HA HA RISK LIFE AND DEATH FOR AN EDUCATION!!!!" I added the last sectence in-it just sounded good. No seriously most colleges tell you to not miss any days from class because it will drop your grades and those with the HOPE scholarship cannot afford for their grades to be droped one letter. The college I am at isn't as strict as the state colleges I have been to. (this is a technical college) But still they urge you to not miss any calsses. My beef with the class is actually with my professor...I e-mailed her yesterday MORNING (remember that) to inform her about the weather conditions and asked (since we are to have a test) if I should come to her night class tonight (it starts at 5pm-remember that too) and take the test just in case the weather is too bad in my county to get to the school if its still open, God forbid. She proceedes to e-mail me at 6:15pm!! 6:15!!!!! I have to leave around 3:30 just to get to the school by 5pm, so that was a bust! I asked her to call me instead of e-mailing me because I wouldn't be around a computer from 11am-4pm-and I would need to inform my boss that I would be leaving early to get to class. But as 4pm rolled by I knew that I wasn't going to make it in enough time to the class. That particular class is a two day class, and they have already taken their test Monday-so she wouldn't have a test ready for me unless she knew I was comming. So I went home and continued to wait for some type of call, and this morning once I got to work I discovered an e-mail from....... my damn professor! Stating that classes were still planed at the moment, but if there was a closing she would call me, and she would understand if I couldn't make it if there was ice on the roads from my county. Well....if the road conditions for my county were to be hazadorus, then you would think that the college's county roads would be bad too since they are closer to the North Georgia Mountains than I am!!!! I know this all might seem like I am taking this too seriously..but if you were on academic probation for droping a class the last semester you would be worried about your grades too. I need not miss any classes-because they are once-a-week classes and have to cover the same amount of material the 3 classes a week cover in 5 hour span without screaming or information pouring out of your ears after the 3rd hour of concentrating, because the professor talks a mile a minuet and if you miss one secentence that particular secentence will be one every test and the final. So to miss any information is very bad. But it is also hard because I am fairly well educated on the computer, and I have taught myself houw to run one. I mean gosh computers are apart of every students life. I learned QuickBooks for my job, I know AutoCAD for my landscape designs, I know Microsoft Powerpoint from my last state college, Microsoft works, word, Wordperfect, Excell, Winzip, word pad, paint, picturemaker, corel designer, and much much more! Not to mention the internet. But does this knowledge help me out in the class. Well, yes I am completely bored when we are demonstrating how to access the internet. But her tests require all of these "terms" of the computer that I know what they do but don't know what they are called and why. So her notes and study guides give me a challange however, the rest of the class time when she is demonstrating and wants the class to follow along, I am already done and waiting for dismissal. I guess this is waht I deserve, to be tormented by silly computer terms during tests and for the rest of the classes sit in my chair with a blank look on my face staring st the computer screen clock praying for the session to end.
But enough of all that.
Kyle now knows how I feel abot the service and he is going to try every place he can and if he has no choice then I will not protest. I just prey that Southwire gets its shit in gear. The managers from another building came to the human resources center to pull applications. Kyle checked by there on Monday and they told him they would give him a call if they had anything. He told them that he despirately needed a job and would sweep the floors if he had to. The Human resource manager said that he would try to help him. Well, he went by there yesterday (or Wednesday I can't remember) and they said that they would call him if they had anything. The managers were still looking through applications. I hope to God that they havn't started interviewing yet and that they give Kyle a job there. I need to work there too to be on the night shift so I can finish school quicker, but I'd rather Kyle get the job if it was him or me. His unemployment runs out the 21st of Feburary. So he is beginning to panic. And so am I. Well thats enough cahttering for now.

Dispare
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: My Immotral by Evanessance
Monday night I went to Kyle's house to celebrate his birthday party. (His birthday was Jan 2 and his family just now got to it-but thats not the topic) While we were there his brother (the one who works at Southwire) informs Kyle that Southwire has a strick policy against hiring realitives of current employees. WHY DIDN'T HE MENTION THIS WAY BEFORE NOW!!!!????? He sis say that his manager is trying to get Kyle on in a different station, however. But this did not help with Kyle's mood. You see, I have been begging Kyle to look for a job while his application at Southwire is just sitting there. He threw all his eggs into the Southwire basket and he has about a month left before his unemployment runs out. I am very sad for him because he is so frustrated from all of this. A company called him for an interview a couple of weeks ago and I asked him to respond to it and now he wishes that he would have.
Now onto yesterday....
Kyle spent the day out looking for luck, nothing yet. However, he told me that he was considering going into the services. This broke my heart. (The last time we dated he talked about going in but he never did) Now he says that it is an option. I seriously don't want him to go. I could not deal with the constant worring if he will be shipped off, pushing back out wedding date AGAIN, and picking up and moving away from everyone. Moving wouldn't be so hard, but I still have college and I wouldn't be able to go with him until I graduated. Then I would have to go find a job in the landsacping field, which is hard enough as it is. Not many people want to hire a Landscape Designer when they could hire a Landscape Architect. And if I went for Landscape Architecture it would be 4 MORE years that I would be away from my beloved. I feel so bad for feeling this way-but I just wanted a normal marriage/life with him-not having to worry if he will be shipped off and never come back to me. We have pushed back the wedding for about a year to two. If he joins, then not only would we have to push it back more, but we would have to have it wherever he would be stationed at. The closest base is in Savannah, Georgia-southeast Georgia. And we live on the NORTHWEST area-close to the Alabama line. All our family lives here, so you can imagine how much that will cost to bring everyone over to Savannah-which will push our wedding back SOME MORE so that we can save up transportation money. I prey to GOD that he will find a job before this. He is also considering going to college. I am pushing this as hard as I can. I want him to get an education so badly. He is just undecisive about what he wants his profession to be. I made him mad last night because I was crying at the thought of him going into service. But he wanted my opinion. He thought at one time during the day that I was saying "the service, or me", but what I said was, "I don't want to be one of the women waiting...(I began sobbing then)". When he finally stopped stewing over it (2 hours later with little to no talking to me) he asked me what I ment by this and I told him that I didn't want to be one of those women who are waiting, and worring for their husbands, wondering when they are going to come home from Iraq. Or those that are waiting in fear when their husbands will get the notice that they are to be shipped out. I don't want that at all. I told him that I would support him in whatever he does, and will stand beside him through it all, but if he chose this path I will be sad and miserable. He said that he knew I would be, but he thought I was making him choose between the service and being with me and it made him angry. I told him that I would never give him that option unless it involved a women, drug, or anything of that sort. He says that the service is just an option-I wish I could beat the hell out of his parents!! He says that its always his idea and he is the one to bring it up in conversation-BUT NO NO NO!! Everytime I've been around when the conversation comes up its his DAMN FATHER that says that he should join-that he would love it. I HATE HIS FATHER! KYLE WILL DO ANYTHING HIS FATHER SAYS, AND OR WANTS!! His father was in service and I just think that he wants one of his sons to follow in his footsteps. But he is a very stupid man, because if Kyle goes into service and isn't living around them anymore, when he (the father) gets sick again-and I know it will happen-there will be no carring sons around. His other two sons are not there as much as Kyle is and his father is use to this. So then his dad will have to deal with it. I seceretly think that they want him out of the house, they are there for him but I thnk that if he didn't live with them then that topic wouldn't be discussed as much. Well my boss has to use the fax machine and to use it I have to get off the internet. I'll ponder over my dispare for now, but I must go for now.

A weekend of cuddling and all 3 Lord of the Rings movies
Mood:  happy
I experienced the best weekend of my life so far. After school I went over to Kyle's house and we went to grab a bite to eat. When we got back his parents told him that they (including his sister) would be visiting his step-grandparents and spending the night, for me and Kyle to have some alone time. (they're 2 hours from here) We played video games and .....I got sex!! YEAH! Then we went to my house to grab all 3 Lord of the Rings to watch them. Then after the first one ... I got sex again!! YAHOOOO!! We cuddled, snuggled, and held each other all day. I spent the night (which I do sometimes) and when we got up in the morning we went to the flea-market to walk around for a while. After that we got back to cook lunch and watch the 2nd movie, then he said that if I "helped" him now, he would be able to last longer for "romp" that night. So of course I did. I asked him during the third movie if he was happier with the changes that I was attempting to make. He replied yes, and that he was trying to make changes for me, he would try to be happier and will let me know immediately if something I am doing is bothering him. He got a little irritable later in the night because we made a fire in his back yard by burning pieces of an camper that was rotting and someone called the fire department on us. They made Kyle extinguish the fire, which was mostly burnt down. They didn't give us a ticket, but Kyle hates it when someone will "Tell on Him" (thats the best way I can put this feeling into words). We fell asleep on his bed after the 3rd movie (his parents are already home at this time), so we couldn't have sex until they went to bed. But Kyle was tired and a little moody so I didn't press the subject-I plan on not saying anything. I woke him up at 11pm to make him take me home. Even though he was a little grumpy from being woken up-he held onto me and said that he didn't want me to go. This morning I called him (he seemed a little moody-but I will talk more on this in a moment) but lightened up when I told him that I found and ordered a video game he had been frantically searching stores for. I believe that his moodiness is mostly caused from his family. Last night was different, but from the majority of it his family can drive him crazy. He will not admit to this, but you can see it. He loves his family, and constantly worries about his father's health which was getting on my nerves. Because his father isn't very sick, just 400lbs, if he lost weight, a lot of his health problems would go away. They are begging the insurance company to help out with having his stomach . But moving on: His father has been told to stop taking his Paxil (a wonderful anti-depressant) which turns him back into his old self-which is a nagging and irritated man. He has been on a bitching rampage, nagging at Kyle a lot which is pissing Kyle off. I figure this is for the best. I am not a bitch or anything-but Kyle's father's 'health' keeps us from any alone time A LOT! To sum it all up-Kyle is a MAJORdaddy's boy. Constantly seeking his father's approval, and attention. Its quite sad sometimes, but Kyle is getting better. I just think that taking his father off the anti-depressant for a while will help Kyle to back off and go do his own thing sometimes. I just don't want Kyle being the type that calls his father every 5 seconds when we get our own place, or thinks that we have to visit him everyday. He weined me off my mother-which wasn't hard, but he needs to be weined off his. He cannot start his life after his father dies. That could take years, and his father would not want this. His father wants it to work between me and Kyle, he has already placed a grandchild order for me. I just think that once Kyle and I get our own place together everything will get better. I plan on addressing little things that annoy me the minuet they happen, but I will not mention this father problem to him - we will just be spending equal time at my mother's when I feel like it to be fair, and I will ask for alone time as well. I believe that if I just ask and not hope that it will happen then Kyle will try to my request. Well I didn't plan on typing this much but oh well. It was still a wonderful weekend and I plan on continuing to keep Kyle happy as he is doing the same for me.

Mood:  caffeinated
Well, I'm in class (Intro to Mirco Computers), so of course I am bored! But it has to be done. I feel so hyper and anxious, and I don't know why. Last night Kyle just wanted to fool around (tease no sex) and I cried during this. Spoiling the mood for us both. I couldn't help it, I am so sexually frustrated and he is just fine (Of course he "gets his frustration out" in the shower every morning so he doesn't need me). I am trying very hard to be a more cheerful person around him and I am doing fine so far except for last night. I will continue to try for him, but I gave it a long thought and his feelings and moods are what sometimes make me depressed and I plan to have a talk with him about this. I want him to change some of his attitude. He did mention that he thought he might need Paxil to help calm his nerves. Because (even though he says he can) he can't let things go. I seriously wish that he would. I am a very affectionate person and require verbal affection sometimes. This, he is not that good at. And I feel that if I have to change some things abot myself that makes him unhappy, then well, he should changes some things that make me unhappy. I am a little scared to do it because anytime I try to adderss something that bothers me usually it turns into something I have to change about myself or he locks up and keeps this mood for several days before he addresses it and then I have to change something. But recently I have told him how I feel about certain things when they bother me, and he has been listening. I just prey that he keeps this attitude. Although he is not the type that can acess the problem and then let it go (the mood). I can, I am the type that likes to acknowledge the problem, make an appology, and wipe the slate clean , while trying to fix the problem if it needs to be. Kyle cannot do this, he wants me to let thigs go after he addresses it but he can't do this when the shoe is on the other foot. I will make an effort to talk to him and if he reacts in a way that I cannot stand to be around then as much as I will hate to do it I'll leave him for the rest of the day to let him reflect and or cool down. I love him and I will try to make this work. He wants a "grown up" relationship, well communication on both side is responsible and necessary. It has been parctially my fault because I have not done this well in the past, he has had two bad relationships where the women ran his life, bitched over every little thing and made it miserable for him. Well I didn't want him to think that I was like that so I let a lot of things that urked me slide. Which was wrong on my behalf, but he should have let these hostile feelings go and start anew. not to let anyone run over him-but to give me a chance. I plan on informing him of all of this, and this is enough for now.
Catcha on the flip side

Mood:  mischievious
Well yesterday I found out that my boss has been cheating me. For Several months I worked for 400 dollars salary. (Meaning 40 hours at 10 dollars per hour). Well I was working 45 hours every week. She refused to pay me this saying that this is how salary works. Well speaking with our accountant yesterday I found out that what she did was totally illegal. So after printing out all of my pay check stubs and preparing my time sheets when I quit I plan to turn her into the labor board for all the overtime owed to me. He He He Ha Ha Ha AH Ha! I will never let anyone walk over me again. I have needed that money badly and she screwed me. Stupid bitch!!

Huh, Huh, anyways today's ponderings.....
1. Here in Georgia the temperature has been a 'freezing' 60 degrees. whatever happened to our blistering winters? I wonder if this is another El Nino coming back to reak havoc. One of my friends in Washington thinks that Mother Nature has diarrhea. I think she is constipated and is suffering from hot flashes down here. Now don't get me wrong, I simply loath being cold. And it rarely ever snows, so the winters here are cold, windy, rainy, and miserable. I know its not as bad as Chicago but for Georgia its miserable.

2. How is it that we humans need only 8 hours of sleep, cats need 20, and my pet rabbit never sleeps, and throws a shit fit when I come home to sleep and continues this fit until I wake up in the morning. Also she digs all her food out of her bowl and scatters it throughout the cage. I use to give her a mixture of regular rabbit food, berries and nuts. Well my budget has become tighter and she had to go to just regular food. Now she boycotts the food and attempts to bite me when I go to fill up her bowl. I know that she will eat when she gets hungery, and I have been only giving her a small amount recently just to see what she is going to do-all she does is dig it out of her bowl and run around the cage. I hate to see things starving-so I continue to give her food to watch her waste it and then to proceed with her shit fit dance to the rabbit god. Thats enough of that.

3. Why is it that guys love to pass gas in front, around, near, behind, and anywhere in between you and its funny. But when girls don't feel well and have a little gas ( gas of course) they think that its the nastiest thing in the world. Kyle can get gas from drinking water and thinks that it is funny to see the look on my face when I smell it. And the look of horror when we are ridding in his can and he lets one go and locks all the windows to keep the stench in. I didn't feel well a couple of weeks ago and accidentaly pass Silent gas. I fessed up to it when he asked and now there is a funky smell and he didn't do it he automatically accuses me of the odor.

That is enough for now. Maybe I'll post more today a little later.

Well, today I think that I'll ask for my ONE AND ONLY vacation day to be taken Friday. I plan on thowing myself at Southwire's feet and begging for a job. My boss is driving me CRAZY! She has to be told 4 times Not 2, not 3 but 4 DAMN times anything! She could ask me when a project will be due and I will tell her and not 5 minuets later she'll ask again. I LOTHE stupid people. Kyle seemed to be doin better yesterday. I only stayed for about 3 hours at the hospital with him and his father. When his step-mom voulenteered Kyle to spend the night up there I left 30 minuets later. If I cannot get alone time with him then I will not waste my time up there. I do care about his father's health and all, but its a 45 mile drive one way, and it was dark by the time I left. I stayed long enough to be courtious in my opinion. And frankly Kyle can just miss me for a while. One way to get his attention is to ignore him and have other things to do, then he'll come running and be all upset and longing for me. Then I hit him with all the fellings I have and he listens. To talk to him while he is in Macho Mode is simply out of the question. Another way to talk to him is to get him drunk. not shit faced, but drunk-he remember everything and is much sweetier about it all. Go figure. But anyways I was ranting about my retatded boss-I swear she did a shit load of drugs back in the 70's. This woman will be in the middle of a conversation and will stop and leave the room or building. OMG she is so stupid. She calls me to ask how to access her e-mail, when the e-mail tab is at the top portion of the screen in big letters 'E-MAIL ACCESS'. I swear she doesn't pay attention. She also will call me to ask how to print out a document. I have no clue how she has had her business running for 10 years. I am a pretty docile person (bet you'd never guess that with all these posts) and I get along with a lot of people. I actually allow people to run over me at times just to keep the waters calm. But this woman DRIVES ME UP A FUCKING WALL!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.......there, I feel a little better. I hate the idea of quiting a job-because it makes me feel like a lazy slob. I can usually stick it out in a job no matter how bad it is but I want to hit the door running and NEVER come back. The only thing I would miss from here is the office cat Nokie, the tail-less inspiration to my "cat without a tail". Well damn I promised that this post would be lighter and nicer, but I goofed. Oh well, maybe next time. By the way..Wooohooo Brad and Jennifer broke up! Maybe Brad will persue the uncatchable Jennifer Lopez just to make the tabloids even juicer. I am not one for listening to the news but I have to listen to some kind of music in the office to keep me sane at times, I love Star 94.9 FM, and all they can talk about is that and Ashley Simpson (Dork)- How dare someone ride into fame on the coat-tails of their sibbling. How distasteful. my sister is an increadable singer and I am a great actress in our community plays, but I would NEVER try from fame using my sister's coat-tail as a jump start if she became famous before I could. And SHe would never do the same to me. That little twirp is just as annoying live as her songs are when they are 'modified'. Well, that is enough for now.

Today's random thoughts Please no one under 18
Mood:  a-ok
Well, my weekend was shitty. Kyle informs me that I have been depressed and in this type of mood eversince we began dating. He cannot take this mood and wants me to change. I doesn't like to cuddle and gets angry when I pout up about it. Well no more mrs nicey nicey. If I want him to do something and he doens't then I don't care. He has acted better to this attitdue-I just hate it. I usually am not depressed-I am sod when he seems unhappy-which seems to be a lot. But he says that why he is unhappy is because I act depressed. Well- Lets break down why I get unhappy-

We spend the majority of our free time at his house up his dad's ass and around the corner(His father is sic and gets in the hospital a lot and I have no reason to be like this but it just frustrates me and i cannot help it)
His family needs him home at night when his mother is working and (right now) his father is in the hospital because they think that something will happen to his little sister. (She is 15 for goodness sakes) If he isn't at home by 11pm the world will not end.
He is still without a job-so we can't go out and do a lot of things and if we do i insist on paying for it (I do it cause he helped me when I didn't have a job) and I do get hungary. So that gets him down.
He doesn't like to do anything with my family-I know its the family from hell. But he has one too and sometimes I want to scream bloody murder at the sight of his house comming into view.
I am not trying to be selfish but how can I not get mad when he huffs and puffs when I call my mother to talk to her and let her know where I am ---WHEN HE DOES THE SAME THING TO HIS FAMILY!!!!!!!!
AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF:::::::: He wants us to cut back our sexual activity!! OMG!! That is how I take out my frustration. Oh but he wants to continue anal. LIKE HELL I WILL-I Immediately told him that he only gets that when I get what I want. He says that it gets old cause I want it all the time-well maybe I wouldn't want it all the time if he could satasfy me and NOT ruin it by asking me (when I am all into what we're doing) if we can do anal. THAT is not a turn on for me-but I do it for him.
HUH-HUH
Now that I got that all out. Things have been getting a little better-its only been two days but hey its a start. I will not let him get me down, I will have the 'Don't care attitude' and we'll see how long that lasts. (Its been working so far) And if I want sex by God I will get sex (Toys don't talk back)..(He He HE)

I know that this might be a little explicit-but I have all these thoughts bottled up inside of me and I COULD NEVER tell my mother or friends. So this is all I have to keep me from having a breakdown.

Tomorrow's post will be better

Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Since you've been gone by Kelly Clakrson
I watched the Stedford Wives last night (the new one). That was different. Never saw the ending to that one comming. I tanked up on chinese food and brooded over my fiance'. he called me at the last minuet to tell me that he would be hanging out with the guys. While I was driviing to his house. Although I did not tell hime this. I wasn't as mad at him for the late notice as I was at his frineds for doing it. Oh well, Men-can't live with them-and you know the rest.... I am looking out the window at work admiring a squirrel carry a nut across the porch. Its bigger than his head-I kidd you not! This squirrel looks like its been through hell and back. I think that I will leave out some pecans (pre-shelled) for him/her. Man- I am hungry.
Anna Nicole Smith admitted that Trim-Spa didn't get rid of all the weight--She got her Colen Clean and it took care of the majority of the weight. This is rather amusing to hear. Although I do not support niether Trim-spa or Anna Nicole it is just amusing to hear all of this. I wonder is she will be used in an advertisement for Colenm Cleansing commercial anytime soon-I can picture it now. No wait lets not-I might lose my appetite. Well I must go for now-the slave driver I call my boss is cracking the whipp. I am not taking a lunch hour now just because of this-I REFUSE to work during my lunch break.

Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Let it burn by Usher
I have my first comment!! Yeah! Someone actually read my bolg.

Anyways, on to today. No new job for me yet. DAMN!! Kyle went personally to a manager at Southwire and spoke to him about obtaining a job. I am going to do this Friday. My boss will be hirring a new employee and i quote" Meadow Creek cannot pay for him, but I (my boss) can" (My boss told me this) Now if Meadow Creek cannot afford him but she can, why can't SHE afford to give me a raise. I am working in 4 different areas here and only make $10.00. Now don't get me wrong, ten dollars is good, but to Landscape designers this is bad. Besides the general labor wage here is ten dollars, and I DEFINATELY know much more in landscaping than all of the laobrers here. Hopefully Southwire can hire me, it will be 12 hour shifts (night shift), but then I can finish college much quicker. And if Kyle gets on he plans on staying on night shift and this will put a strain on our realtionship. Not that we would be working in the same building or anything, but if we at least had a similar work schedule then is would make things better. His first love is money (just kidding, its me) but right behind me is money, then his car. So he plans on hording up on some hours over there, yeah (note the sarcasm). This boy can be oblivious to things, I know that he loves me but I truly believe that he thinks that our relationship will have no problems if I worked about 40 hours and he worked 40 plus. I am keeping my mouth closed on this subject at the moment, since we are trying to get our bills straightened out so we can move in together in an appartment. But everytime we set a round-about date to move out (for example: 6 months) it usually gets pushed back. Now its set at a year from now. It started at three months. This is how our wedding plans are going at the moment as well. Even after we move in together we will not be getting married for a while. (Note: He at first wanted to get married this last August.) In no way am I rushing or pushing him into anything, it is just frustrating for me. I know that life can suck sometimes, but these last few months have been hell for me. in September I totaled my car, bummed rides off of everyone in October, got a car that had a bad engine in it (I did not know it) in November and had to get financed for a truck (New, I Love it), and wasn't able to work for the last week in December, sick as well so I couldn't enjoy the time off. And on top of that one of Kyle's ex-girlfriends called to wish him 'congradulations' on being engaged. He was with her for 2 years, and she cheated on him SEVERAL times. Even though I know that he would not stray, it was RUDE of her to test the waters. I know how this girl works. So I have been on a diet and trying feverishly to grow out my hair and to look as sexy and desirable as I can. I know that he loves me and wants to be with me, its just that he is not a big cuddlier or good with outwardly expressing his feelings,(i know that most guys are not) but I know that when I am dressed up or look attractive to him he follows me around. AOLT. I just need to 'protect' my investment. I know that might make me sound weird but we have dated before (after this girl) and we were best friends on top of that. He couldn't handle the feelings he had for me so he broke it off and had his heart broke by another girl. Then he realized what he had with me and came back asking for another chance. I gave it to him but I made a promise to myself not to let my guard down. I never had my heart broken by any guy until he left me the first time, and it wasn't going to happen again. Thats why I am 'protecting' my investment. I know that he would never cheak-he is not that type-but I cannot have that girl thinking that there is any chance at all. So the last few months have been miserable for me-I know that others have had it worse or in the middle of it right now, but to me, I am a little depressed by all of this. (The weight loss pills that I am taking are contributing to my mild depression as well-but usually I can ignore it-I guess today I couldn't) Sorry everyone if this is too boring. i'll try harder next time

Mood:  bright
I am a little excited today. although I really shouldn't be. Today is my last day of work until Jan 3rd 2005. I really could use the rest, however it will be a very tight time. I will be looking for another job during this time. I really cannot afford this time off, and it irritates me that I was under the impression that I would be allowed to work after Christmas. My boss is a real penny-pinching bitch. She has the work for me, heck I even begged to be sent out with the crew landscaping. I start back college Jan 8th or 9th, I can't remember. I have to drive 45 miles up to the campus just to get one stupid book. Now exactly where am I going to get the gas money for that when I woun't have a week's pay comming in. This really sucks. I wanted so badly to surprise my Fiance, Kyle, with something wonderful for Christmas. Instead he has been there to pick out both gifts which are a pair of Wal-Mart Boots, and a pair of jeans on dirt cheep sale. I know that we both cannot afford to get each other something nice for this Christmas, since I had all these expences come up and he lost his job. But for once I wish things would go our way, and during a convient time. I know I should be grateful of what I have, but sometimes I see that look in Kyle's eyes, when he REALLY REALLY wants somethings and cannot afford it, and it is all I can do not to go out and spend every last dime I have to get it for him. I know some would think that this is not a proper reaction for a woman, that the man should be the one to shower gifts apon the one he loves, but he has done so much for me. When I was let go from my last job he paid my bills for me until I got this job. he loves taking care of me, and now that he has been laid off (Damn Yancey and Jameson Inc.!!), He has been miserable, looking frantically for a new job, (thank God for Unemployment). He had all these plans and gift ideas for me this Christmas since the last one was skimpy due to us both starting out at new jobs. He wanted to make it special for me, I try to tell him that I do not need anything but him to make Christmas special. I just wish i could make him happy is all. He is the worst person to buy gifts for, each gift I have given has been a total flop. He can't even remember what I got him for each occasion since we've been together, and they usually sit up on a shelf forgotten. I know he tries to like them, but I just really suck at picking out gifts for him. The bad thing about this is that I am awsome at picking out gifts for other people, I just suck at it when it comes to Kyle. I know that things will get better in all directions and situations soon, it is just a little bit of a downer at the moment. Well that is enough for now, I have to get back to work and I won't be able to make another entry until Jan 3rd 2005. So Merry Christmas to everyone and Happy New Year.